Saturday, August 04, 2007

A miserable Life

I always feel in some kind of struggle, a monologue, where I am either uncertain, afraid, upset, angry or dissappointed. I fail to find happyness. I always look at what's missing and weep over it like a 3 years old. I think I am leading a miserable life. A life full of half-glass-empty thoughts. No matter what acheivements I make and no matter how peaceful life around me seems to be; I am always in search for that stupid small thing that I dont have, or I cant achieve.

I cry a lot . Over nothing most of the time. I am blessed with many things others may only dream to have.Still, I am always under the impression that I am under achieving in my life. or that something terrible is going to happen to me or someone l love. As stupid as this sounds:Every time I read barid el gom3a, I have this inner voice telling me: "This could happen to you".Specially those stories saying how great life started with them and how horrible it turned now. The inner voice then says, "Yea, I must be in the happy phase now, I wonder when my luck would reverse?".

My sister tells me that I have a lot of things in my life that should keep me happy for a at least a decade to come. She always tells me "WHY ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING THIS TO YOURSELF?".

I want to change that. I want to change how I look at life. I want to change how I am always feeling as if prepared for the next horrible thing, so I end up always feeling sad or down. I want to learn from my sister. I mean its like this at home: My sister didnt pass this year, and I graduated with a rank. She is smiling assuring us that everything is going to be okay, ands she is always out with friends. Me, I am always home my face to the screen reading some sad blogs, watching movies and crying at every one of them , and am worrying dead about my future to the extent I get nightmares.

I hope I can be more optimistic about life. I should be excited right? I should be excited about getting a job. I should be excited about being more cultured and more intellectual. I should be excited about driving a car. I should be excited about going out with friends and no more studying and being responsible and all that. I hope I dont waste the best days of my life worrying about what's next and fearing that all I have would suddenly go away. That's very stupid. I'll ask my sister how does she do it when she comes back from the outing.


greyscale said...

i don't think there are any magic words i can say here that can make you change ur whole attitude towards life, but i'll try anyways.

"قدر الله و ما شاء فعل"

even if something "bad" happens, i'm pretty sure it's for ur own good. we humans don't understand it sometimes.

stop worrying about what bad things could/would happen and just have faith in God, trusting that He will always be looking for your own good, whether it's a test from him or not.

gjoe said...

Thanks ALOT!believe it or not, you did say magic words!

I'm made my first step into my attitude make-over and am looking for 2 books my dad used to have "Da3 Al Qalaq W esta3an Be-Allah" and the best seller "La Ta7zan"..I hope they would have some practical and spiritual tips of how to lead a more optimistic life.

I would also watch "the pursuit of happyness" maybe I'll find some answers there too!

and Hay Congrats for graduation and ur sister's wedding!ana lazem aageelak el blog w abareklak be nafsy :)

greyscale said...

glad i could help out:)

i haven't read "la ta7zan" but i've heard it's an amazing book. tell me what you think.