Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Questions

In a pathetic attempt yesterday to cheer myself up, I went to ma3rad el nady to buy some stuff.I could not exactly remember what I bought and I wasn't looking for anything specific and I was rather searching-in my head- for answers to questions that somehow crept into my mind without invitation.

Suddenly I am feeling a terrible urge of wanting to talk to Geddo.I never talked about how empty and hollow my grandparents home became after Geddo passed away. I terribly need geddo, I need to talk to him, to listen to him assuring me that everything is going to be okay.

Alone. Why do I feel so alone when I am not? Why do I feel that no one cares when I am surrounded by good friends and a wonderful family?Why do I feel very bitter towards strangers? I have no idea why I felt so mean today towards just normal people walking the streets.I feel terribly lost although I know exactly where I am going. How do I feel exhausted and tired when I haven't yet started? I so want someone who I can speak my mind and heart out to without being judged, without being misunderstood, without someone telling me to stop crying because its useless. Anyone I'll talk to would either get worried because they care, or they would pretend to be listening because they could not care less w koll wa7ed feeh elly mekafeeh. Why do I feel that I want to be left alone and at the same time hate the fact that there is no one I can talk to without worrying about consequences even the most trivial ones?Why do I hate being vulnerable even infront of who I consider to be my comfort zone?

I also I have no idea why these questions are asked and they either have obvious answers or no answers at all. But I feel that this is deeper than just a bad mood. There is something out of balance. Something I might be avoiding confrontation with. Yeah, that's right. Feeh 7aga tanya medy2any and am not dealing with it. I just hope I think I know what it is.

Today also I intentionally lost my temper at work.I did not lose my temper. I just showed people that I will not cover up anyone's mistake and I definitely won't take blame for not backing up any coworker's incompetencies.I am not going to be blamed specially that I acted like a big girl and took full responsibility for it. I am willing to pay the price of someone's 2 consecutive mistakes, and I am beng blamed for not taking account for them in the first place. WHATEVER!
(What happened at work has nothing to do with how I feel right now)

Am very likely to delete this post lamma arga3 men el sho3'l. It is getting on my nerves

3 comments:

insomniac said...

i know the feeling!

and ur right... there is something bothering you that you either can't put your hand on, or secretly know it but wouldn't admit it to urself!! u know better.

take time doing something u like, or try confronting the other gjoe...

Anonymous said...

hang in there ! everything is going to be ok isA.

If you need someone to talk to without being judged, misunderstood or ignored I'll be more than happy to hear you out ! (don't worry about me worrying :P)

gjoe said...

Inso: and who else would know how I feel :D..and Yeah, I know better. There is something I don't want to admit..bass i'll try to learn some honesty from inso :)

m@hdeto:balash la7san ageblak soda3 :)