Tuesday, January 29, 2008

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My Grandpa passed away last Saturday. He died after 2 painful months of discovering that he has, i mean had, a late diagnosed cancer.
His last days were extremely painful and we all prayed a lot that God would bestow mercy on him. I have deep faith that his death was mercy for him and that he is in a better place now isA.

Like any other death incident, it makes one put things into its own perspective. It makes one see before hand his own end. It makes one focus on what is important but was long neglected. It makes one re-prioritize.

I have to say that because of my grandpa's health conditions,doctors had told us that there was no cure for his condition and that all science could do for him was a couple of sedatives and pain killers.They told us to pray and stay in remembrance of God and his mercy. So we kinda saw it coming and we were psychologically prepared to hear the bad news.

Being prepared, when i actually got the news I felt strangely calm and maybe even grateful. He was living in torture and there seemed no other way out of it. My dominating emotion was that I felt really scared for my mother's health and endurance since she was in the core of this emotional trauma and she has just lost her father. I was in state of denial.Whenever someone tells me "البقاء لله", I couldn't believe that they were talking about my grandpa. My brain made all its tricks to stay out of shock, to stay in disbelief. I felt sad but at the same time I felt that it's OK. I didn't go to work next day of course but since I felt "OK", I went to work the day after it, yesterday.
Suddenly on my way to work, it hit me. Suddenly I felt a tremendous rock on my chest. I couldn't breath. Suddenly I "understood" that my grandpa passed away and that I wont ever gonna see him again. I will not hear him laugh, I will not see him praying or reading the quraan. I will not talk to him,learn from him. I will not listen to his wise words, his childhood memories, him telling my mother to leave me alone whenever she tries to discipline me.
It felt terrible. It still does. I felt like a huge void inside me. An emptiness deep in my soul that hurts only when I breathe. Something tremendous is missing. Something out of order. I burst into tears and wished that I could see him just one more time.

I was his first grandchild and he sure made me feel special. He was the only one to call me "oojy 7abebty" in an irreplaceable warm voice. He entitled me "ya doctora" just before my graduation so that to instill in me to continue my post graduate studies.

I don't think that I'll ever get over missing him. A friend of mine told me that those memories instead of bringing tears to your eyes, they would make you smile. I can't see how yet.

The worst part of the day is waking up. You know when you have a bad dream of someone dying or was about to die and wakeup gratefully that it was only a dream? Waking up feels the exact opposite. I wake up to realize that grandpa is in fact gone and that I miss him terribly.

Ouch.Writing this post is even harder than i thought. But it was also hard not writing it at all.

To whoever reads this: please pray for my grandpa, and if you know me in person kindly tolerate my rather inconsistent attitude. When people talk to me in condolence I feel like I want to be left alone. When people do leave me alone, I feel like I want a shoulder to cry on and that I am lonely, cold and scared.

Rabbena yer7amak ya Geddo :(


Devos said...

Alah yer7amo....
isa hsykoon maswah elganna...

7aki Fadi said...

May God rest his soul in peace. I am sorry for your loss.

Fadfadation said...

LelAh maa a7'7ath, wa lelAh maa a3ta, fal tasberi wal ta7tasebi :(

AL Bakaa2 lelAh.

Allah yer7amo wee yewasa3 3aleeh.

Allah yelem shamloko koloko fel Gannaa ISA... ammen

Deeeeeee said...

I cried reading this ya gjoe... I've been researching my family tree for a while and it feels terrible doing it without geddo....
sounds familiar?

Rabena yessabarek ya 7abeebti!

gjoe said...

Thanks devos, 7aki and fadfad..May God Accept your prayers..
Dee: well, I cried writing it.

sara said...

Rabinna yerhamo we yerham kollohom.. Amen.

You know, you praying for him & doing charity on his behalf will prove that you haven't forgotten about him..

Rabinna Raheem waAllahi gjoe.. Bigad He is.. I'm sure he's in a better place now.. Amen.