Saturday, December 22, 2007

راح العيد أهو راح العيد

Call me a kid, but Eid for me is a "festive" event. I have to go buy something new(inshallah 7atta gazma), I have to go to a new place or a long-not-visited place,I have to be in a good mood and hang out with people that i like. Mel a7'er, I have to celebrate and have fun.

This Eid was very strange. It wasn't strange, it was depressing. The happiest day was yoom el wa2fa and then everything was awkward. It was very routine like,I was very much disappointed in many major and minor occasions. I was disillusioned ( a topic needing a post on its own) , and it was what you can call "pathetic".

And even the brief moments in which I was happy and content,SOMETHING/ONE has to come up and just spoil it for me! A lousy waiter, unwanted guests, too many fake smiles, phony conversations, de-motivation, a canceled outing,the weirdest feeling of wanting to die ,a fight,a sugarless cup of mint, waking up at 6 am with a headache, mayya ma2too3a w 3andena el unwanted guests, a teenage sister..etc.

I just felt like I was trying too hard to be happy with minimal success. I did have happy moments. I mean I did buy something new and went to a long-not-visited-place (I wasnt going out that much before anyway) , but then Dammit!

Then there is the guilty feeling which makes everything worse. I felt guilty for not being grateful for even the brief moments I felt happiness or joy. Which is simply put: I feel down for not being happy and I feel guilty for being down for not being happy. Perfect mood fel Eid essara7a!

At the back of my mind, anytime I feel down, depressed or simply not in the mood, the inner voice suddenly is heard " ya sheee7'a e7mdy Rabbena, feeh 3'erek mesh la2y yaakol aslan".
This inner voice (I'll call him Sayed), just comes ANY TIME I feel blue. mabalko ba2a fel 3eed.
Whenever I feel that there is no real justification for being blue and that I am just exaggerating, I feel even more upset and angry at myself.I just Hate Sayed! Can you feel the negative vibe of this post?

So overall, I pretended to be happy most of the time. Now I am about 1 week away from my premasters finals and I didnt feel like I got the break that I wanted. No, the break that I "needed". I feel the utmost feeling of carelessness.

P.S: I just discovered that " el mogamlat el egtma3ya" is one of the most tiresome exercises ever( At least they are for me, as far as I am concerned). I can't take them and I can't pretend that to be smiling for more than 2 seconds.Which is rude. But then, what the heck.

Happy Thought: The best thing about this Eid is that its over!I dont have to pretend that I am happy anymore!

1 comment:

mirage_like said...

hey .. joyi
1st.. kol san o enty taeba
sorry to be late,, but till abreif time before now , i wasnot know u
2nd .. i laugh alot about ur mixture of phranko & english some latin words..woow
3rd.. u r like chilren really. that's best of u, spontonous . impulsive, stubborn, seems to be simple not pretending any more
the most imp. have inner motivation appear as "sayed" lool
4th ... i agree with u about social complemo most of it is so falsifier
so overall u win the u/urself war
5th.... may allah bless u hard for ur finals .. hope u all good
6th .. posts is so great .. ur soul is pure and so pretty
7th.. saluta 4 u